tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post6299363107902894684..comments2024-02-21T09:02:10.761-05:00Comments on Two Bears Farm and the Three Cubs: Of Doughnuts and Dancing, The Red Dress Club PromptLisa @ Two Bears Farmhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03464839163693785901noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-4198668931944800552011-03-29T09:41:35.888-04:002011-03-29T09:41:35.888-04:00Great story Lisa! Loved it! You are so very crea...Great story Lisa! Loved it! You are so very creative. Don't forget us little people once you become famous! :) Or at least send us an autographed copy!! lolMy Mad Worldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00828880300513624067noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-57239111222282184292011-03-26T00:30:39.457-04:002011-03-26T00:30:39.457-04:00I just love this piece. It's so creative and l...I just love this piece. It's so creative and like nothing that I ever would've been able to dream up.Schwandy (Stephanie)http://www.mommyvsmadness.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-11336926696307487792011-03-25T22:34:43.304-04:002011-03-25T22:34:43.304-04:00I loved this! Really well written and such an orig...I loved this! Really well written and such an original storyline! Some didn't care for the additional details, like the wolf hack or the dissected frog rap, but I love them! I feel like your writing style is very much how someone thinks; the things you notice...<br />My only crit is that you use Hilary's name a LOT... I think several of those could be replaced with "she" or even just restructuring the sentences could make some of them unnecessary altogether.<br />But otherwise, it's a super-fun little read, and I'm happy that Hilary got her groove on!Lizzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06817883712446293753noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-17168652022480088162011-03-25T22:31:16.472-04:002011-03-25T22:31:16.472-04:00I think I need one of those doughnuts!
What a cre...I think I need one of those doughnuts! <br />What a creative story!Erinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10395153992892479101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-78298991435171987212011-03-25T20:35:31.259-04:002011-03-25T20:35:31.259-04:00I liked this a lot. I liked how you captured that...I liked this a lot. I liked how you captured that feeling that kids get in middle/high school where they just want to be recognized ... even if it's for something bad.<br /><br />I liked the back story on the "inventor." My only criticism is actually on the final paragraphs. I wondered why she chose to eat the doughnut in the library if she wanted to be noticed and your description of the music taking over felt a little rushed.<br /><br />But honestly? None of that mattered because you had such a strong voice throughout.Law Mommahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04109050393503675101noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-91263908603652867312011-03-25T16:24:22.876-04:002011-03-25T16:24:22.876-04:00I thought this was so creative!! I love the line &...I thought this was so creative!! I love the line "They were the invention of the school genius, Jason Kruggs, an underachiever of massive proportions."- Isn't it funny how the smart kids can fall into such a place? <br /><br />The wolf was pretty good too...<br /><br />And I love that she danced at the end! <br /><br />Great job!Kellyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18014210424987382382noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-26145125740580670082011-03-25T15:22:12.214-04:002011-03-25T15:22:12.214-04:00I have a huge smile on my face... this story is AW...I have a huge smile on my face... this story is AWESOME! I loved your description of how the music just snuck up on her. There were some details that didn't seem all that important to the story, stuff about other kids, I think others already mentioned it.<br /><br />and I want me one of those doughnuts!Cristinahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15064636500827230911noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-20419009289403174142011-03-25T13:01:06.737-04:002011-03-25T13:01:06.737-04:00Great take on this prompt, and go Hilary! Sometime...Great take on this prompt, and go Hilary! Sometimes you have to take chances in life if you ever want things to be different. Thanks for sharing-Tanya Tringalihttp://igniteyour.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-89487411674724446932011-03-25T12:21:58.953-04:002011-03-25T12:21:58.953-04:00This was a lot of fun to read and I'm so glad ...This was a lot of fun to read and I'm so glad you shared it.<br /><br />There were a few things that felt unnecessary and pulled me out of the story just a little bit. As part of a larger piece they might work, but the back story about the kid who invented the flow-nuts didn't feel like it needed to be there. A funny bit, of course, but I think simply explaining he was a genius who had pulled off some grand schemes would have been sufficient.<br /><br />But, really, this was good!Karen M. Petersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06972093977468313631noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-90498838675040065982011-03-25T12:05:53.407-04:002011-03-25T12:05:53.407-04:00What worked? Your development of Hilary as an inv...What worked? Your development of Hilary as an invisible girl--the high school wallflower, at least in her own mind. <br /><br />What could use work? You could tighten your description and exposition. I am a proponent of fewer adverbs. Watch how often you repeat a character's name. Could you substitute a pronoun for flow? Do you need every single word? If not, lose it.<br /><br />What I loved? The concept! What fun and creative idea! I am just in love with the creative place you took the prompt. With a longer word limitation you could take this just about anywhere.Honest Convo Galhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04164936942751145568noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-67581383508218680262011-03-25T11:05:38.056-04:002011-03-25T11:05:38.056-04:00Wonderful job, Lisa! I definitely need a Flow nut,...Wonderful job, Lisa! I definitely need a Flow nut, too! I can't dance at all.<br /><br />For some reason this reminded me of one of my girls' favorite books. Pinkalicious. I agree you are taking off with the YA stuff here! Great details and I enjoyed where you went with this.erin margolinhttp://www.erinmargolin.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-87803386783719237882011-03-25T11:00:29.659-04:002011-03-25T11:00:29.659-04:00A lot of fun to read! And I'm pretty sure I we...A lot of fun to read! And I'm pretty sure I went to high school with Jason. I agree with previous commenters - I could see a YA series coming out of this...but about whom, Hilary or Jason?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-49203151688449181022011-03-25T10:39:37.455-04:002011-03-25T10:39:37.455-04:00What a creative take on this prompt. It was a fun ...What a creative take on this prompt. It was a fun story to read and I loved that she danced in the end.<br /><br />I could use a donut like that right now! I also thought your use of the "clock of invisibility" was very on target. I can remember that feeling myself.<br /><br />This is a minor suggestion. I'm older and reading online is sometimes difficult for me. I notice that you center your paragraphs. This may be just me, but I have a harder reading them in that format, <br /><br />Still, if that's your style, I like your writing and I will come back regardless:~)Sarahttp://www.sarahealy.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-51331076865839342532011-03-25T10:12:26.501-04:002011-03-25T10:12:26.501-04:00I how I would have needed one of those donuts in s...I how I would have needed one of those donuts in school. I can't tell you how many times I wrapped Ace bandages around my ankle when it came time for a school dance just so that I wouldn't have to dance...and it gave me an excuse as to why nobody asked me to dance...<br /><br />Vivid story and I was happy to meet all the characters and can't wait to see if you continue to play this out a little longer...So Who Is The Crayon Wrangler?https://www.blogger.com/profile/10085121764324581283noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-22460968076063947652011-03-25T10:07:14.624-04:002011-03-25T10:07:14.624-04:00I kinda love this Jason kid. He sounds like a good...I kinda love this Jason kid. He sounds like a good time. I don't think I will try one of his famous donuts but I wouldn't mind seeing the big bad wolf in action! <br /><br />Nicely written!amygrewhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10655920157645555504noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-66620335263285313522011-03-25T07:46:12.128-04:002011-03-25T07:46:12.128-04:00Super clever. I adore how you capture the way high...Super clever. I adore how you capture the way high school kids all know about everybody else's business, even when they are on the fringes. <br /><br />I love her dancing at the end. I love the gradual way it sweeps her up. <br /><br />I think I want to see her isolation more. A flashback to a conversation? A comment by a teacher? Something to show how isolated she is, as opposed to how isolated she feels. That may or may not be the same thing. <br /><br />This absolutely could be a YA novel! Imagine a magical realism thing where food brings out all the qualities the kids secretly desire. Hmmm...I'll steal it if you don't take it. <br /><br />XOXONancy Chttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04313721217543578257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-3657597258797717672011-03-25T07:41:01.988-04:002011-03-25T07:41:01.988-04:00This post was so creative and FUN!
Secretly, I&#...This post was so creative and FUN! <br /><br />Secretly, I'm so glad that the invention worked- both for Hillary and Jason.<br /><br />This line: "But as always, Hilary seemed to be wearing a cloak of invisibility, and no one paid her any mind." Heartbreaking, perfect.Galit Breenhttp://theselittlewaves.com/noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-76291710174120381802011-03-25T06:55:59.627-04:002011-03-25T06:55:59.627-04:00I thought the idea behind your story was wonderful...I thought the idea behind your story was wonderful and that she stole it!!!...:)JPjp@A Green Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15217268829093983376noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-85121242540881521172011-03-25T02:43:30.787-04:002011-03-25T02:43:30.787-04:00Very clever. I liked all the details and backgroun...Very clever. I liked all the details and background.Jackhttp://www.thejackb.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-84002322900845280082011-03-25T00:56:58.684-04:002011-03-25T00:56:58.684-04:00I enjoyed your story. I didn't know you were a...I enjoyed your story. I didn't know you were a writer. Way to go... Thanks for stopping by and supporting Ann. It was fun hearing your story about your ring!Shanae Branhamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16788563284474098409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-59585729239475381782011-03-24T23:05:43.366-04:002011-03-24T23:05:43.366-04:00now i want a donut...i love that you are able to t...now i want a donut...i love that you are able to turn a simple prompt into something so awesome!Mamarazzihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11053091142306052509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-76012339622489742972011-03-24T20:27:12.095-04:002011-03-24T20:27:12.095-04:00My favorite part of this was the flavor of the cha...My favorite part of this was the flavor of the characters you created. I wanted very much to like both Hilary and Jason.<br /><br />And thanks for stopping by my red dress post.Tina L. Hookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12780807680745838371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-42378446978291974442011-03-24T20:13:16.037-04:002011-03-24T20:13:16.037-04:00Great story - and all I needed was coffee and a &#...Great story - and all I needed was coffee and a 'donut'! sandieChatty Cronehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02232040517217024681noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-21209070269965888622011-03-24T19:53:28.709-04:002011-03-24T19:53:28.709-04:00It kinda reminded me of how I felt about taking a ...It kinda reminded me of how I felt about taking a drink in high school. I wanted it to loosen me up. Just like her, I did it, and it worked. :(Liz Mayshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13960276167677132860noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5356235511941477035.post-42716528648888124922011-03-24T17:05:59.112-04:002011-03-24T17:05:59.112-04:00I really liked this, Lisa. Loads of little things ...I really liked this, Lisa. Loads of little things that grabbed me. The stealing, the way she wanted to be noticed (people steal things to be noticed, too, but you already knew that). <br /><br />Where was she stealing it from? Another kid? I lost that a little bit there. I assumed so, as they were in school and not a store. <br /><br />I could have done w/o the line about the kids all around some other kid's desk. I don't need his name, or even the name of the genius, and while I love LOVE the wolf part of the story, I think it could have been cut here. You could have just said "wasted his time partying and hacking into large corporations." and left it at that. <br /><br />I love Hilary, though. I loved her disappointment, even in her disbelief, the hope that the doughnuts would prove her wrong. <br /><br />Don't hate me, but I don't need Ms. Potter, either. ;)<br /><br />Anyway, sorry for being a total pain, I know this one was SO hard. You kicked butt at it. It's totally original and honestly, it might be one of my favorite things you've ever written (or at the very least shared here!). Well done!<br /><br />And I totally agree, you seem to have a Young Adult niche about you and I love it! Woo hoo! Can't wait to say I knew you when. ;)Andreahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06972798018825603047noreply@blogger.com