Thursday, February 24, 2011

False Teeth, Free to Good Home, Craigslist Ad #35976778

Craigslist Ad #35976778

Free to Good Home - One super-sized pair of false teeth, lightly used, in a lovely shade of off-white.  Slight Southern accent.  Minimal staining and just a few vices.  For more information, call 588-8881.  Ask for Deenie.  Or just come by 181 Waters Street.  I'll leave them in the broken petunia pot next to the old green mailbox.  Take them and run!

Disclaimer:  This set of teeth are prone to mysterious ailments, to talking in cliches, to ruining your social life, and to generally making you miserable.  Just a few examples follow.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

"Were you raised in a barn?  Deenie, go pick up your room.  It's a disaster in there.  Don't you know how to do laundry?"

"Deenie, stop looking so sullen.  Why can't you be more like your cousin, Lilly?  She always dresses so nice and bright and chipper and she's actually nice to her grandmother."

"Oh I don't think so missy.  No parties for you.  You stay home like a nice girl and wash your grandmother's hair.  And don't be getting soap in my eyes this time.  You know I have these cataracts and I don't want you going and making them any worse."

"Deenie you look like something the cat dragged in.  What is your mom thinking letting you wear all that makeup and that trashy skirt?  You go change right this minute."

"Just look at my swollen feet.  Deenie, go get my compression socks, would you?  They're in the right hand dresser drawer, under Grandma Daisy's doily collection, right next to Alfred's old Bible."

"Deenie, back in my day we didn't sit around on the phone all day.  We didn't even have those new fangled cell phones.  We had to spend our time peeling potatoes and shelling peas and hoping when we were out hoeing the corn we didn't get bit by a snake like Uncle Henry did that one time.  You kids are all so lazy - you don't know how to do a bit of work."

"Deenie, is that another McDonalds bag in your hand?  Again?  You are going to get so fat.  That fast metabolism won't last forever you know.  Why I just saw on Dr. Phil the other day they were talking about girls and - what did they call them?  Girls and muffin tops.  Deenie, you're going to get a muffin top, and it'll be all ugly and sticking out with those improper tight clothes you wear too.  Why don't you eat some nice vegetables instead?  Open up a can of creamed corn.  It'd be good for your digestion."

"Deenie!  Is that a nose ring?  Oh my heart.  Deenie, you're going to be the death of your dear old grandmother.  For the love of God, take that nastiness out of your nose and go get me a glass of tea and a peppermint candy.  I've got to sit down."

"Deenie, I don't think you're getting enough fiber.  Have you moved your bowels today?"

"Oh my aching back.  Deenie, go get my liniment."

"I thought I told you to get rid of that nose ring.  Deenie, I can't look at that nose ring, I just can't.  And you used to be such a pretty little girl.  What a shame.  When your mother gets home I'm going to tell her you're completely out of control.  It's that public school, it's ruining you.  If I had my way we'd put you in Catholic school."

"Don't you give me that look.  I saw that.  Your grandfather Alfred is rolling in his grave right now, I know it."

"Deenie, that ring!  THAT RING!  Why if I didn't have this hip pain I'd hold you down and rip it out of your nose myself!"

"Haf anyone theen my teef?"


This is a piece of fiction written for this week's Red Dress Club prompt:
We want you to imagine you've just had a fight with a friend, a co-worker, husband, significant other, child - you get the picture. You're mad. It's time for revenge.  What would you sell?
Write a humorous listing for eBay or Craig's List. Talk about the history of the items, why they must go.

To read more fun responses to this prompt (likely more humorous than mine - I struggled with this one) go check out The Red Dress Club tomorrow for the link up:


And don't forget to enter my giveaway for a kid's fun pack or a spa pack - winner's choice!  It ends tomorrow!

33 comments:

JDaniel4's Mom said...

I am laughing quietly so that I don't wake up my guys. This is soo funny. I don't blame her for taking the teeth.

singedwingangel said...

Bahahah I can picture your memaw. I had one just like her..

Home In The Hollow said...

LOL!!!!! Good work, baby Girl!...:)JP

Nancy@A Rural Journal said...

Oh lordy! This is hilarious! I thought it was for real until I saw you wrote it for your fictional piece today. Hahaha! You got me. :)

Texan said...

LOL I thought too in the beginning, some jokster put this on craiglist LOL...

warren said...

That's heelarious! Well done!

Valerie said...

This is right on the nose (ring)! I lived with my grandma for a year and she could be just like this! You did a great job with this prompt-it's clever and extremely funny-and I loved it!!
(And I hope nobody buys the false teeth) ;)

Jo said...

Too funny!...Lisa you crack me up!
~Jo
LazyonLoblolly

Nicole said...

This is too funny!! Great job!

Pamela Gold said...

Oh I love this!! I especially love the twist of the quotes thrown in. Good touch! I'm having so much trouble. It be easier if I knew what I'd get rid of. May have to skip this one.

texwisgirl said...

Oh my! Too funny!!! You did great!

Andrea (ace1028) said...

Oh this is HILARIOUS. I love it.

I'm not sure I'm playing this week. I may just have to sit down tomorrow and see if I'm up for it. But you nailed it. :)

MissMOE said...

Great, great blog! Found you on MBC! New follower--feel free to check out my blog.
http://missmoe-thesearethedaysofmylife.blogspot.com/

DP said...

Very funny! I am your newest follower. Hope you will check out my blog and follow back.

DP
Hip Chick's Guide to PMS, Pregnancy, and Babies

jennohara said...

Hahaha!!!! Too funny! Very well done!

The Rheinlander's said...

This is too FUNNY!! Stopping in from MBC and looking forward to your post.
~Melissa
http://www.mnmrheinlander.blogspot.com
http://www.twitter.com/MSRheinlander
http://www.facebook.com/KUWTR

Nan @ Playful Decor said...

Ha! I'm coming to follow you from MBC and whaaaa...you're too funny!! Thanks for the laugh! Sorry, no laughs on my blog - yet.

Chatty Crone said...

Oh my gosh - funny, funny piece. And look at all the comments - they love it.

Great job -

sandie

30ish Mama said...

That was hilarious! I keep coming across so much great writing stemming from Red Dress Club prompts that I'm starting to think about getting over my fear of writing fiction.

Jessica said...

Oh I love this, great take on the prompt, laughed my way through all of your quotes!

amygrew said...

Didn't anyone every tell Dear Grandma what they say about those Catholic school girls? Maybe she just needed to see the Brittany Spears video....

Great and very funny post!

Emily @ Kibble n' Dribble said...

Great take on the prompt. I was giggling out loud at all the quotes! Reminds me of someone I know in real life, unfortunately.

tulpen said...

Awesome. I love me some spunky old ladies!

Jennifer said...

I'd have taken the teeth too! I might have even hidden them further from the house just in case they found their way back before a taker could be found!

Schwandy (Stephanie) said...

I absolutely love it. This was such a clever idea.

CDG said...

Last line?

Absolutely perfect!

Victoria KP said...

Love it! Would love to hear how those lines would sound w/o the teeth :-)

Nancy C said...

So funny. Wouldn't every teenager love an "off button" like Deenie had?

You capture dialogue so nicely!

Mandyland said...

Totally cracking up. I'd have taken the teeth too. :)

Sluiter Nation said...

very cute :)

Cheryl said...

"minimal staining and just a few vices." Funny!

Karen Peterson said...

I'm glad you clarified this was fiction, because, for a minute there, I thought you were writing about MY grandmother!

Renee said...

I love it!
So funny.
Wait, I have a relative like that...